Living Vulnerably

We have all met those kinds of people. Selfish people who think of themselves first, using others for personal interests and stepping over their feelings with complete disregard. Such entitlement comes immaturity, and the lack of personal growth from life experiences. 

          It is easy to judge such people or become one of them. When life is smooth sailing, anyone can be a good, kind and easy going person. The true test of character is when you hit the rocks, what kind of person will you be?

       There is a difference between self-indulgent pity and pain caused from real suffering - like financial ruin, death, illness, abuse and betrayal of loved ones. Life is uncertain, and sometimes we are forced to face situations that are out of our control, and this makes us feel helpless and insecure. Stemming from these insecurities comes our desire to control our surroundings, and the people in our lives. During the process of growth, we are first helpless children, self-sufficient adults and once again, helpless aged. We have to learn, unlearn and relearn over and over again, breaking us down and building us up.

No real personal growth comes without suffering. When we suffer, we can choose to gain wisdom or resent and place outer blame on the external circumstances of our lives. Sometimes we blame ourselves, and this self-punishment does more harm than good. Life has proven to be unfair, and it is so easy to become jaded in the lack of trust due to betrayal in the face of vulnerability. We think building walls around us will protect us, failing to realise that it's a self-destructive cycle. Most times people hurt each other not out of intentional cruelty, but because they are inherently human. We make the mistake of thinking that the worst of human nature is a person's true self.

It is important not to be naive, but the most self-destructive thing one can do is to stop trusting people. When a person becomes bitter and consumed by anger and distrust, he unknowingly falls into the very situations that he or she is trying to avoid. Women or men who have been betrayed find themselves increasingly attracted to non-committal or emotionally unavailable people. The cycle repeats again and again, increasing our disillusionment and pulling us further away from the truth. Children of physically or emotionally abusive parents repeatedly find themselves in crisis situations.

We are insecure when we have an incessant need to criticize, a need to be the centre of attention, play the victim, undervalue other's achievements, overvalue our own, have a false sense of superiority or inferiority, distrust others, idealize others, become overtly suspicious, make superficial assumptions, and compare with inadequate judgement parameters.

Sometimes we are unwillingly pushed out of familiar safety and into scenarios of desperation, which precedes co-dependent and needy behaviour. Over-ambitious people push themselves out of their comfort zones such that they are perpetually stressed, and passive people do not push enough and stagnate in depression. Sometimes we have to deal with the insecurities of other people who try to control us, which causes us to mimic their actions in an effort to protect ourselves. We cannot always escape these events if they are uncontrollable and inevitable, such as a natural occurrence like death or disasters, the loss of finances, or relocation. We cannot avoid difficult and uncompromising people if they are our spouses, children or parents. There are many factors at play such as circumstantial factors, genetic susceptibilities or conditioning.

      It is important to be in touch with both our negative and positive emotions, without judging them as such. We should fully accept both our light and dark sides to understand our true feelings, and resolve internal and external conflicts. These situations deepen our understanding of human nature, bringing about awareness of motivations and resultant actions. How we react to these unwanted situations and who we emerge to be marks the strength of humanity, and the immense potential of empathy.

We have all heard that happiness is a state of mind, but when we realise that nobody and nothing can actually control us, then we become liberated from undesirable emotions. We still feel them in the heat of the moment, but we are now empowered to transform them. When we are no longer threatened, we cease to be insecure and automatically adopt a non-confrontational attitude. When there is nothing to resist, reactionary behaviour ceases. The circumstance gradually passes as we begin to work towards solving our problems, and take positive steps with a clear mind that begins to become aware.  

We no longer view things as black and white, replacing our opinions with questions, and our own agendas with a newfound endless curiosity towards life.